Not long ago, I became aware of a common thread running through my life as well as through the lives of many of the people in my circle: the tendency to play small. I'm seeing it in clients, family members, friends and within my greater community, both online and offline. In spite of invitations and opportunities to grow, expand and embrace life in a bigger way, many people prefer to stick with what they know. As it typically happens, it made me curious.
Years ago, I remember a good friend of mine questioned me about my aspirations, several months after we met. Surely, he said, I wanted to become well known, wealthy and share my work in front of large audiences. I smiled and said that I didn’t care about any of that. He didn’t believe me at first, and then after he got to know me a little better he acknowledged that it was true. He was genuinely surprised and told me how rare it was to not aspire to those things.
Now, looking back, I wonder if that was because I wanted to stay invisible and keep things simple and uncomplicated. All of that is fine, however, what about the people that might have benefitted from what I have to share? Is it selfish to play it small and minimize my gifts?
What is this playing small about?
Several insights emerged in response to this inquiry. Most of them were fairly obvious such as the fear of the unknown or the fear of failure. But those answers didn't quite capture it for me. They seemed too broad. The less obvious insights pointed to the inability to see ourselves in a bigger or radically different role, no matter what it was. For example, if our habit is to work behind the scenes, and we're comfortable with that and have been doing it forever, stepping out onto the stage into the spotlight would be like entering a foreign country or different dimension altogether. In fact, the leap would appear so big, we'd assume that it wasn't possible, or that it's not for us.
Instead, we’d stay where we are in default mode, doing what we've always done. Better that, than feel like a fraud, or lose the one constant in our lives: our identity (even if it is a little small).
It's cozy and warm in the realm of the familiar, so why rock the boat?
But what if everyone felt that way?
What if everyone played it safe?
What would our world look like then?
We all appreciates bravery and courage. Heroes inspire us to do more and to be more. But it's a different story when we’re called out to be brave and courageous...to move through our fear so that we can play a bigger role.
There's more.
We keep ourselves small because playing big is also messy and uncomfortable. It usually requires us to be seen and our talents exposed in a brighter light. It triggers many often-forgotten childhood feelings of inadequacy, fear of rejection and ridicule, and worst of all, shame over not believing we can fill bigger shoes.
Showing up brings up all the "what ifs" and "second guessing" which many of us happily left behind years ago as we adapted to the predictable routines and rhythms of being an adult.
And yet...
Life isn't a straight line. It zig zags and winds, and there are switch backs and detours all over the place. Is it any wonder that no matter how much we think we have a handle on it, we still feel somewhat lost?
There are also enforced changes in our relationships and circumstances that keep cropping up. If only we could stop everything from changing so much, we think.
Deep down, though, we know there is more we want to do or, at least, could do if we were willing to stretch, get our hands dirty and risk some discomfort.
I'm right there with you, hanging out on the edges of the quantum field of possibilities, wondering if I should leave what I know and leap into a bigger vision. You would think with all the testing of life I've done, this would be a cake walk.
But it isn't. I'm shaking in my boots.
I have an idea. What if we both agree to stop playing small (whatever that looks like for you)? What is calling you out and scaring you at the same time? I support you to go for it, and I promise you I will do the same.
How does that sound?
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The question I ask myself is whether I'm playing it safe or taking a risk for something that matters. I have been letting go of looking at the scale of what I do, and focusing more on the quality of work and space I occupy. Not everything has to be scaled up, but I don't want that to be an excuse for not risking something real and bold. Am I showing up, fully alive, being the person I need to be? If I can do that, I'm happy, and the scale will be what it needs to be.
Love this! We all have gifts to share, but it can mean stepping out of our comfort zone and reconnecting with the Truth of who we are, which can feel scary. There are many ways I feel I'm being called to lean into trust and shine brighter. I find myself hesitating often, but also being lovingly guided forward on the journey. 🫶
This beautiful post reminds me of a Marianne Williamson quote, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be?"
Thank you so much for this powerful invitation, Victoria 💖