From a very young age, I was obsessed with remembering the truth about things. I always felt a sense of restlessness, a strong feeling that I needed to find something, remember something or do something.
I was never settled, and I found regular life boring.
My father was the same way. He, too, was never satisfied with this life as it appeared. He knew there was something more, and he lived with a constant aura of impatience and unrest, as though something in his life had gone off-course. Perhaps that is why he gave me books on consciousness when I was fifteen and sent me to study at Esalen Institute as a work scholar when I was twenty.
After my father died suddenly in a car accident when I was twenty-one, I had the resources to pretty much choose any educational pursuit I wanted. For a time, I lived at home and had no real expenses. This was the opening that could have truly set me on the right course had I had enough sense to recognize how everything in my life was supporting me to pursue whatever dreams I had. It was at this exact time, in my bedroom at my mother’s house that I received a direct message about my life purpose. I wrote it down on a legal pad and never uttered a word of it to anyone. It felt too big for my tender, still-grieving heart to hold. It wasn’t specific enough for me to grab onto it and make a clear decision.
Sadly, I turned my back on it completely, changing the entire trajectory of my life. It was as if someone was handing me the most glorious and precious gift, all wrapped in pretty, glittery paper and shiny bows, and I threw it down on the ground, walked out of the room and slammed the door shut.
It’s taken some deep inner work to even look at this, let alone forgive myself for it. For years, I longed to go back and do it all over again, to see what I walked away from and turned down. My Higher Self eventually showed me a few people whose paths resembled the one I would have taken had I heeded that call, and oh how different my life would have been!
Saying “yes” to what appeared on that legal pad all those years ago, would have meant saying “no” to many of the choices I made in my early twenties. My life would have followed an entirely different path, instead of all of the side roads and detours that ultimately delayed my alignment with my soul’s work and purpose.
Perhaps this is why I became so obsessed with helping others align with their purpose. I made a grand error, and decades later, finally came out of the spiritual closet enough to say a wholehearted “yes” to my soul’s original mission. I traveled in fits and starts to get here. Along the way, and in spite of myself, I managed to gather some good, solid skills and experience as a writer, group facilitator, teacher, coach, mentor and Akashic Records practitioner. I also invested heavily in studying with many wise and beautiful teachers, learning spiritual practices, cultivating my intuition and doing inner healing work to undo my ancestral and familial trauma and social programming. Unfortunately, because I chose an alternative trajectory, I also incurred karma and accumulated lots of consequences associated with the choices I made. This resulted in boatloads of unnecessary pain and suffering. Because of this, my spiritual team have had to work extra hard to keep me on track.
This theme of resisting and saying “no” to one’s soul work shows up in the majority of the Akashic readings I do now. I hear all of the fears, excuses, stories and regrets. They, of course, mirror my own. I know the territory so well and can speak right to it.
It’s as if I’m speaking to myself.
This leads me to the subject of saying “yes”. There’s the personal “yes” when we give ourselves permission to say “yes” to what serves us personally, on a human level. Then there’s the "Cosmic Yes” when we give ourselves permission to say “yes” to what serves the Highest Good.
The Cosmic Yes is about recognizing we are so much more than our human form and human plans. We are cosmic souls temporarily embodied in human form. Therefore, the Cosmic Yes doesn’t mean we have to give up or sacrifice our personal desires. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. When we align with the intentions and higher purpose of our soul rather than the desires of our personality, it feels really good because it’s authentic.
It feels like home.
It feels as if we’re in the right place at the right time.
We feel part of the universal orchestra of life, as we do our part, expressing our unique presence and gifts.
We move from disharmony to harmony and from separation to unity consciousness.
And who wouldn’t want that?
By the way, this is where humanity is headed: the big Cosmic Yes. The old paradigm is no longer serving us, and it’s time to take a quantum leap in our evolution for the sake of ourselves as well as the earth and her beautiful living creatures.
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"Sadly, I turned my back on it completely, changing the entire trajectory of my life. It was as if someone was handing me the most glorious and precious gift, all wrapped in pretty, glittery paper and shiny bows, and I threw it down on the ground, walked out of the room and slammed the door shut."
I could have written that. I took a very, very big detour in my life to follow a man on HIS path, rather than attending to my own heart's urgings. That was 30 years of my life! Now, I stand on the threshold of 60, and I'm just now stepping forward into what I believe I was always intended to do.
I try to avoid self-recrimination. Though I have my moments of looking back and imagining how my life might have been different, I mostly don't regret the past. Even my more recent past has all been about summoning readiness. I started cultivating the skills I'm now beginning to use with others over 10 years ago. It took a long time for the potential to unfold itself and come into my awareness. And then it took more time for me to have the confidence and emotional/mental readiness to follow the call. I also believe that the astrology of the moment has given me the big boost I need to move forward, and it's possible that it was meant to take this long, that if I had stepped into it earlier it wouldn't have unfolded the way it was meant to. In short, I've come to forgive myself for playing small for so long. I think I had some old karma related to relationships that I needed to move through and clear, and if I hadn't done so with my ex, it would have come back in other relationships until I cleared it. That relationship karma was in the way of my purpose as far as career and service to others. It took a long time for me to clear, but I learned a lot along the way, so none of it was for naught. And if I really am meant to fulfill a higher purpose here, as I believe I am, then I trust I will be granted the time necessary to complete the mission. In this lifetime, I'm just a late bloomer with a very challenging natal chart that forced me to move slowly. All is as it should be. Maybe in the next lifetime I will start off with a chart that gives me more readiness to step into my gifts.
This could have been my story as well. Thank you for sharing. I feel that a lot of us are reaching this same realization at this point in time. I'm 62, maybe that happens around this age? Like our early message has come back around for us to choose again now that we've gathered so many more pieces of knowledge and growth.